Saturday, March 24, 2007

Watching England Is Boring?

Nah. According to Football 365, here's something to expect...


* Whole pub groans as Steven Gerrard slices the ball 70 yards downfield and out of play.

* Wayne Rooney's face twists into a mask of hate as he screams foul-mouthed abuse at linesman who correctly flagged him offside.

* Close-up of Paul Robinson. Pub smartarse sings 'Who ate all the pies?'

* Close-up of Frank Lampard scowling. Whole pub shouts 'Wanker'.

* England get free-kick in dangerous area. Commentator says, "Now this is a situation that a certain Mr David Beckham will be looking at with great interest and wondering what might have been."

* Pub groans as Stewart Downing is picked in starting line-up, despite having all the pace of a sloth on Benylin.

* Despite being left-footed and a skilled left-back, Gareth Barry isn't. Phil Neville is. Red-faced man shouts, "For FACK'S SAKE, McClaren!"

* Richard Keys opens the half time discussion with the phrase, "Well, that didn't go quite the way we'd hoped."

* Frank Lampard blasts free-kick low into the legs of the wall.

* Aaron Lennon beats someone on outside and slices cross wildly behind goal.

* Rio Ferdinand rolls casual pass straight to opposition striker, leading to Israeli goal.

* Rio Ferdinand is first to reach England goalscorer, showing burst of pace and commitment never seen in normal play.


* A red-faced man tries to prove he's the most passionate Engerland fan in pub by bellowing at the TV so hard the veins stand out in his forehead like a contour map of the Lake District.

* Scotsman wanders into pub wearing a shirt with giant star of David on the front.

* Nerdy-looking bloke walks in front of projector screen on way to toilet and 40 people shout at him to "Siddown fer fack's sake".

* Hard-looking bloke walks in front of projector screen on way to toilet and event passes unremarked, except for a lot of leaning round him to see the game.

* Attractive woman wanders in front of projector screen on way to toilet and pub falls temporarily silent as everyone watches her arse and wishes she was with them.

* Richard Keys hands back to the commentary team with the phrase, "Let's hope things get a little better in the second half."


* Fat man in pub has replica shirt so tight the 'w' in Owen is almost a straight line.

* One of your mates is torn between talking to a girl he fancies or shutting up and concentrating on the game, thereby spending match in existential torture.

* Red-faced man hurries to the bar five minutes before half-time, elbowing women aside to do so.

* Man in face paint and St George's flag wanders into pub, buys glass of white wine and stands directly in front of your table, obscuring your view.

* Sky swooshy caption noise is so loud it rattles the tables and spills your pint.

* Rio Ferdinand jumps onto back of England goalscorer, straddling him in piggyback style and compacting his vertebrae so that he has to be substituted.


* England score goal. Red-faced man screams so loudly he's sick in his mouth.


* Phil Neville spotted with mouth closed.

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