The Vinnie Jones Special
I was looking around in Wikipedia as usual and i stumbled upon something I didn't realise. The Juggernaut Dickhead in X-Men 3, WAS a footballer. His name is Vinnie Jones and he's quite famous for being...a really hard footballer. He used to play for Wimbledon (MK Dons) and here is his proud record:
- He was sent off a total of 12 times in his career!
- He was once booked 3 seconds into a game.
- In one notorious incident, he distracted Paul Gascoigne by grabbing his testicles.
- He ended the career of a Tottenham defender, Gary Stevens with a vicious tackle.
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly fell into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.
"Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
Shuggy and Agnes are lying in bed one evening when Shuggy suddenly breaks wind and says: "One nil." His wife rolls over and says: "What in the world was that?"
"It's called fart football," he replies.
A few seconds later, Agnes lets one go and says: "Goal. One-one."
After about five minutes, Shuggy blasts off for a second time and says: "Penalty... two-one."
Not to be outdone, Agnes lets another one rip and says: "Penalty... two-two."
And, just a minute or so later, she sneaks another one out and says: "Free-kick... goal... three-two."
Beginning to feel the pressure and refusing to be beaten by his wife, Shuggy strains really hard for the equalising goal. However, he strains a little bit too hard and, well, makes a terrible mess of the bed.
"What the hell was that?" says Agnes.
"Half-time," replies Shuggy. "Change sides..."